* God is real, unless declared an integer.
* Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
* Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
* Home is where the television is.
* Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
* Death is hereditary.
* Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
* Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
* When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
* Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
* Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else..
* Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.
* Well done is better than well said.
* Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
* They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance.
* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
* You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
* I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
* If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
* Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.
* The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.
* Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.
* I have a drinking problem * I can't afford it.
* Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
* Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go
wrong that one can't blame on the government.
* The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
* There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right
* An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound