My Resume
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Disclaimer: This is not my real resume, this is funny stuff for heaven's sake. I need to state this upfront to avoid missing out on job opportunities like from those 3 HR managers who rejected me after logging onto this page. 
PS - The chap who appointed me lost his job.
PPS - Smoking is injurious to your health.

An Open Job Application

NAME: Gaurav Jalan

DESIRED POSITION: 
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: 
$. 24,00,000 a year plus stock options and a mind-blowing severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

SEX:

Once a Day.

LAST POSITION HELD: 
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: 
Less than what I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: 
My incredible collection of office pens, and stationery.

REASON FOR LEAVING: 
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: 
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
Won the arm-wrestling matches during two consecutive lunch breaks

DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, come to think of it, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: 
Gemini

 

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